Another two days has gone by. And, actually, no real food news on the home front. My husband did tempt me this evening by opening one of our first home brews. I tried a sip, and darn it!, it was delicious! I could've had a whole one to myself, but I'm saving my first until after I have made it through two weeks of clean living.
After two weeks, my next goal is figuring out how to integrate moderation into my diet. Ideally, I will be following the 2nd Phase of the food plan I'm on for most of my eating, but I know I'm going to need to throw in the occassion treat, otherwise, I will not be successful. How much and when to slightly indulge myself has been giving me some trouble. I am fearful that if I even open the flood gates a crack, the whole river is going to rush in and overwhelm me. I remember this feeling. It reminds me, unfortunately, of high school. I remember being so concerned about calories that I couldn't enjoy anything. I have known since I started this project that at some point I would be facing old demons. This is one of them. I fear becoming so obsessed over what I am eating that even if I allow myself a treat, I won't be able to enjoy it. This kind of "extreme" thinking has plagued me in many areas of my life. Either too much food, only healthy foods, too much beer, no drinks at all. I really struggle with this concept of moderation. Honestly, the next phase scares the crap out of me.
I realize that either one of two things is true (1) I was born obsessive/with an addictive personality or (2) life's experiences have conditioned me to be this way. I don't know which worries me more. At this point, I realize my issues with food and drinks may require a bit more professional help. I have seriously considered therapy. Since this type of thinking, which causes me great anxiety, has been with me as long as I can remember, I think I have always been self-medicating. Either through extreme control or total abandon. I have not managed the moderate lifestyle for any considerable amount of time. In fact, I look at people who live what I consider to be a moderate life, and I am absolutely unable to put myself in their shoes.
This is definitely going to require some mental work. I know I can do it. I know I will success in weight loss, but what else might I lose? Am I trading one addiction for another? At least I have one thing going for me. My clear thinking has allowed me to even consider these issues. Before, food and liquor would've made it easy for me to ignore. Well, not anymore. Time to look these demons in the face and know them for who they are.
I realize that either one of two things is true (1) I was born obsessive/with an addictive personality or (2) life's experiences have conditioned me to be this way. I don't know which worries me more. At this point, I realize my issues with food and drinks may require a bit more professional help. I have seriously considered therapy. Since this type of thinking, which causes me great anxiety, has been with me as long as I can remember, I think I have always been self-medicating. Either through extreme control or total abandon. I have not managed the moderate lifestyle for any considerable amount of time. In fact, I look at people who live what I consider to be a moderate life, and I am absolutely unable to put myself in their shoes.
This is definitely going to require some mental work. I know I can do it. I know I will success in weight loss, but what else might I lose? Am I trading one addiction for another? At least I have one thing going for me. My clear thinking has allowed me to even consider these issues. Before, food and liquor would've made it easy for me to ignore. Well, not anymore. Time to look these demons in the face and know them for who they are.
Interesting observation you offer up...Born this way or conditioned this way. I think most of us are conditioned this way. We have such abundance and variety of foods that eating provides us with so much more than nurishment... it's pleasurable, it brings comfort, it's a huge part of our entertainment and socializing, food even offers friendship...(I know that sounds weird but I believe food can feel/be like a friend that is always there. When that is the case, changing that friendship/relationship can cause a type of mourning or feeling of loss. Going thru that is a process) I believe becoming obsessed or addicted to eating is quite easy if there is any emotional void whatsoever in our lives. A void always has to be filled...with something! Emotional voids can begin in infancy....:(
ReplyDeleteI am truly inspired by your journey Amanda...I only hope I have as much success with self control as you're having!....Can you chew gum in these first two weeks?