Week 3 - This is my confession

Well folks....I have news. I've been a bad, bad girl. Well not totally bad, but bad enough to have lost ZERO pounds this week. I have learned two things:

1. I need to blog at least every other day to help keep me honest.

2. Moderation is still not my strong suit.

So here is what went down in the last week. After the weight in, I continued with my good eating habits as usual. All was going well....until Friday. After having a good time gettin' my nails did with a girlfriend, we decided to go to Beer Bistro. The name alone should've sent me running (but I've been there many times and thought I could handle it). I ordered relatively healthy food - chicken salad wrap with tots as a treat, and I only ate half of my meal. But then...oh then...they had $4 Fin du Monde. I thought, "I'll just have one." And one turned into at least six with the bartender buying us two shots.  Yeah....it was a total bust. Now, had I stopped there, the weekend was still salvageable. Plus, you have to be able to come back from a slip up.

The next day, we had a BBQ with some friends. I had already been planning this event during the week and was prepared to serve pretty healthy grilled food - chicken, corn, fresh sliced tomatoes, fruit - not too bad, right! But at the store I also bought Baked Lays and a CHERRY PIE!! I have just totally lost my mind at this point. On top of all that, the whole point of our get together was to have some of our new home brew. So from 2 p.m. till 2 a.m. (cuz the night didn't stop after the grill out), I ate and drank myself into stupidity.

Now don't get me wrong. I had a blast! It was so nice to hang with friends and let loose. But, man, I really went off track with eating right. On Sunday, I had a healthy lunch but just said "eff it" at dinner and we ordered pizza.

All told, I'm lucky I didn't gain any weight. But I learned a lot about my habits, pitfalls and self-discipline. I don't regret letting loose, because some of my healthy habits still were there in the midst of Pig Out 2011. I only wish I had exercised somewhat more restraint. BUT, this whole experience is a learning process, so I am done beating myself up about it!

On Monday, I got right back on track - and it feels so good! I actually like eating healthy - I prefer it. In fact I realized one of my pitfalls is just being too tired to cook. When I am not in the mood to cook, I am more willing to make bad choices. Case in point - pizza on Sunday. But, I went grocery shopping yesterday and made myself get ready for Tuesday and wah lah! its easy! I know it's not always going to be easy, even if I have everything ready to go, but more times than not, I will succeed. As for the weekends, I think I have to hold myself more accountable and really put the breaks on after a treat instead of going into a tailspin.

All in all, I am so glad that even after being derailed a bit, I was able to find my way back with little trouble. That's a good sign that my habits are starting to feel more natural. This whole experience has forced me to look at my love/hate relationship with food. I learned this weekend that I still use food and drinks as emotional crutches in some way. Adding in better habits gives me more tools to bounce back, but I still struggle.

Today, it was so stressful at work that I had a really hard time not coming home and opening up a beer. But for me, I know that one beer could very well lead to two or more, especially when I'm drinking out of stress rather than for the simple pleasure. I don't want to want to rely on food, beer, t.v., etc. in order to get over a tough day. That is AVOIDANCE, plain and simple!!! I'm glad to say that when I got home, I did not sit my butt down in front of the TV, crack open a beer and just throw in the towel. I am still committed to becoming healthy and for the first time in a long time, I MEAN IT! I have to thank those around me too. My brother, who knows what I'm up to, definitely gave me the what for on Saturday, before the BBQ and told me, come Monday, he was gonna be on my ass to help me stay on track. Although I'm not scared of him (because honestly, he's adorable:), I think I hate disappointing people more than any else in the whole world. So, it motivates me. Most of all, I don't want to disappoint myself. Ten pounds of weight loss is nothing to sneeze it, but it is only the beginning of my journey, and I will not be satisfied until I cross that finish line.

End of Week 2 - The Results Edition

It's been two weeks! And that means results! Here are the stats:

Weight: 192lbs. down from 195 for a total weight loss of 10 lbs since I started two weeks ago!!!
Waist: The same:(
Gut: 42 inches down from 43 for a total of two inches lost!!!!
Arms and Legs - the same


So, I am pretty stoked about my results. Ten pounds in two weeks is so awesome!! Tonight, in honor of practicing moderation and since my strict two weeks are over, I treated myself. I did NOT cook dinner! Nick and I still chose a healthy option from a local place but it was nice not to have to cook. AND the ultimate treat....I had my first beer from our home brew. YUM!! I've been drinking it for 45 minutes and I can tell there has been a fundamental switch in my brain that has gone off. I don't feel the need to have ten more. One is delicious, enjoyable and enough. :) I haven't freaked out or eaten all of the junk still remaining in my home. I think I can do this! From here on out, the weight loss will be slower, but sticking to my healthy plan, I anticipate at least a pound a week. That is still a loss! It may be more but I know I need to add exercise to see some real results. For right now, I am so glad that I am out of the danger zone. Each pound lost takes me one step closer to that red ribbon at the end of race. Tomorrow, I will continue with my healthy eating and not let my treats for this evening derail me. Strangely enough, normally, that previous statement would either be lip service or me trying to convice myself it's true, but since I've gone through these two weeks, I feel like it is more the truth than ever before.

I am in a good place right now, and I will hang on to this feeling to get me through the rough times.

Week 2/Days 5 &6 - All Aboard! Next Stop...Moderation Station.

Over the weekend, I had some time to think through some of the issues I brought up in Friday's post. I forced myself to actually think about how I am going to approach moderation without having a panic attack each time I strayed off course or let myself have a treat. Frankly, there is too much good stuff out there in the world of food and beverages to ignore. Finally, after some soul searching, I came up with the answer. If I could manage to be as strict with myself these past two weeks as I have been, then I can certainly handle moderation. I realized there is no special formula to how much or often I treat myself. The important thing is that I can't ignore what I'm ingesting. I can't excuse away everything. If I'm going to allow myself treats....I have to hold myself accountable and exercise.

Losing weight is a just a simple math problem. Take in too many calories and you won't lose weight. Each day, I have to do the math. I'm not saying that I am going to calorie count each thing I eat, because, honestly, that sucks and is not for me. What I am going to do is be strict with myself most days and once or twice a week, allow myself a treat. The last two weeks have made me realize that I have more strength than I knew. I have been tempted almost daily, but I have faced those temptations head on in order to get past them and see the bigger picture. Weight loss and healthy lifestyle is a day to day journey, but you have to be able to see where you are going further on down the road. You have to be able to imagine where you want to be so that things don't get away from you. If I have a treat one day, that does not mean I get a treat everyday. Or I have to make it a healthy treat. "Treating" myself every day is what got me into this mess. Everyday I would come home and rationalize a beer, half a pan of brownies, chinese food, whatever. You simply can not do that and not expect to have your weight get away from you.

A pound of weight gain equals 3,500 calories. If you have one 100 calorie treat a day (and those calories are over the amount your body expends each day), you can gain one pound in a little over a month. That totals a little over 10 pounds a year in weight gain. Doesn't sound like much? Well, let me tell you that 100 calories over a day isn't that hard to reach. That's fewer calories than the average junk snack (if you only eat one serving, and HONESTLY how many of us only eat one serving?). So if you allow yourself that little treat each day without planning for it, you will gain weight. I'm not saying I won't allow myself junky treats now and again. Otherwise, what would be the point of this whole thing? What I am going to do is be more aware, not freak out each time I do allow myself a treat and be responsible about my well-being.

I'm still a little afraid of losing control, but like most things, all it takes is a little work. My first two weeks are almost up. Then, I can loosen up a little bit. I have seen some awesome results and can't wait to fill you in on Tuesday. Let's just say total weight loss is definitely in the double digits. I'm excited by my results and, I feel like I have passed the hardest part. I am almost done with the sprint, and then, it's time for the endurance part of the race. The weight loss will be slower, more steady. BUT it will still be a loss. Each week I expect I will lose weight if I do what I am supposed to do. This will be the time of introspection and really examining the roots of my bad eating behavior. And of course, I will share it all here. So, thanks for reading and thanks for the inspiration.


P.S. - Some of you have asked some questions so I thought I would answer them here for the benefit of all.

Q1: What's the recipe for the black bean chili I was raving about the other night?
A1: 1/2 cup cooked black beans (I used canned and rinsed them), 1/2 cup stewed tomatoes (I like the kind with chilies in it), 2 tbs. of salsa & 2 tbs. diced onion. Mix and heat. It's super easy and really yummy!

Q2: Can you chew gum during the first phase of the Dr. Phil weight loss solution.
A2: Yup:) Just chew sugar free.

If any of you have any other questions about what I'm doing or not doing...send them my way and I'll do my best to answer.

Week 2/Days 3 & 4 - I've seen the face of a demon, and it looks like delicious beer.

Another two days has gone by. And, actually, no real food news on the home front. My husband did tempt me this evening by opening one of our first home brews. I tried a sip, and darn it!, it was delicious! I could've had a whole one to myself, but I'm saving my first until after I have made it through two weeks of clean living.

After two weeks, my next goal is figuring out how to integrate moderation into my diet. Ideally, I will be following the 2nd Phase of the food plan I'm on for most of my eating, but I know I'm going to need to throw in the occassion treat, otherwise, I will not be successful. How much and when to slightly indulge myself has been giving me some trouble. I am fearful that if I even open the flood gates a crack, the whole river is going to rush in and overwhelm me. I remember this feeling. It reminds me, unfortunately, of high school. I remember being so concerned about calories that I couldn't enjoy anything. I have known since I started this project that at some point I would be facing old demons. This is one of them. I fear becoming so obsessed over what I am eating that even if I allow myself a treat, I won't be able to enjoy it. This kind of "extreme" thinking has plagued me in many areas of my life. Either too much food, only healthy foods, too much beer, no drinks at all. I really struggle with this concept of moderation. Honestly, the next phase scares the crap out of me.

I realize that either one of two things is true (1) I was born obsessive/with an addictive personality or (2) life's experiences have conditioned me to be this way. I don't know which worries me more. At this point, I realize my issues with food and drinks may require a bit more professional help. I have seriously considered therapy. Since this type of thinking, which causes me great anxiety, has been with me as long as I can remember, I think I have always been self-medicating. Either through extreme control or total abandon. I have not managed the moderate lifestyle for any considerable amount of time. In fact, I look at people who live what I consider to be a moderate life, and I am absolutely unable to put myself in their shoes.

This is definitely going to require some mental work. I know I can do it. I know I will success in weight loss, but what else might I lose? Am I trading one addiction for another? At least I have one thing going for me. My clear thinking has allowed me to even consider these issues. Before, food and liquor would've made it easy for me to ignore. Well, not anymore. Time to look these demons in the face and know them for who they are.

Week 2/Day 2 - An apple a day...will make you bored

Well. My short attention span has started to kick in. The excitement I felt initially for this plan has started to wain. Frankly, I'm bored with eating healthy foods. (Hey, I meant it when I said before that I get bored easily) Like so many projects I've started only to stop a week later, I'm beginning to feel the familiar pull to move on to something different - and tastier. But for the first time, this isn't an option. My desire to be healthy hasn't gone away....but my desire to expand my food horizons has definitely made itself noticeable. 

Still being in the first phase of my weight loss plan, I am somewhat restricted by the types of food I can eat. I can knock myself out on non-starchy vegetable, eat plenty of fruit, have two servings of low-fat dairy, and more protein than I sometimes care for....but what I want, what I REALLY want is a starchy food after lunch. I've identified my weakest point as sometime after dinner and before bed. Normally, this would be the time that I would enjoy some beers, a glass of wine, some popcorn, snack mix, brownies...basically any starchy carb. The elimination of those foods has left a gaping hole in my evening routine. At first, it was fine because I was excited by eating right. Now, after a hard, stressful day at work, it's not as much fun and not so easy to ignore. All I can say is...THANK GOD FOR THIS BLOG!!! If I did not feel accountable to the people reading this, I guarantee you, I'd be downing a couple of me and Nick's homemade brews right about now. That is how weak my resolve is at this moment. They say it takes 28 days to make a habit, well, I have 8 down and 20 to go until maybe this lifestyle will feel like a part of me. At least I only have one week left of this phase, then I can blissfully eat some brown rice with dinner, or a baked potato-THANK YOU!!!! 

I know I can do this. I don't doubt that I will. Today, I'm just not as thrilled about. I would love to be all sunshine, rainbows and weight loss - but that wouldn't be honest, now would it:) I feel like anyone who is going to change their lifestyle needs to know, its not always fun, easy or exciting. At times, it becomes a chore. Admittedly, I am pretty tired and am having some joint pain today, so I know that plays a part in my feelings. (*****TMI ALERT****** I'm also PMSing, so you know how that goes...I might kill someone for a Snickers bar so make sure you have some bail money set aside for me, please!) 

Okay, I'm not going to spend this whole entry complaining. I have discovered that warm broth (chicken, beef, veggie) is really soothing, relaxing and for some reason, tastes bad for you but it's not!! It has filled a little bit of that void this evening. 

I'm gonna give myself a little pep talk - It's just a day!! It will pass, tomorrow will be better and all things considered, a little bit of discomfort is so worth the results it will garner. I'm going to keep on keeping on...and again, so glad I have this blog to keep me honest. For anyone out there trying to lose weight and struggling, remember, we are in this together. I know there are couple of you out there, and I've got your back if you've got mine;)

Week 2/Day 1 - Drum Roll Please!

Here it is folks....the moment you've been waiting for...well probably not, but I have!!!! It's officially the end of the first week and I have some exciting news! I've lost weight! Haha - I'm sure no one is surprised by that. But how much exactly did I lose? Well here are the stats:

Weight: 195 down from 202.4 (loss=7.4 lbs. down!!!)
Waist: 38.75 down from 40.75 (2 whole inches!!!)
Gut: 43 down from 44 (1 pinch to lose an inch)
Arms and Thighs the same (no exercise...that's the reason)

To be honest, I am more excited about the inches lost than the weight, but I'll take it all! Keep in mind, the program I am following is designed for rapid weight loss during the first two weeks. After that, it should be a steady pace of 1-2 lbs. per week. I also really want to make it clear that I am NOT starving myself or eating only celery. I eat three times a day with 2 snacks. I haven't cut out any food group and am satisfied after each meal. So don't think that you too couldn't do this. And, I haven't exercised regularly...so there you have it. It kind of makes me sad to think that I had such horrible habits before that by simply modifying my diet, I've seen pretty drastic results. One pound a day is a quick loss (I'm assuming quite a bit of this is water weight, which is okay). However, rather than beat myself up on what has been, I'm going to keep looking forward to what WILL be.

On that note, I will confess, I've had a long, hard day. I really, really, really want something comforting and familiar. I'm actually in a pretty stinky mood despite my exciting results. But, in my quest to not be an emotional eater, I'm going to put my mind to other tasks. I may even throw in some endorphin creating exercise (eek) by doing some yoga or going for a walk. Or maybe I'll take a nap (aka fall asleep for the night, HA!). Either way, I won't be thinking about food. 

One problem I have noticed, as of late, is my dimishing physical hunger. I have to force myself to eat (mainly because I don't want to be ravenous later - which leads to bad decisions). It almost seems like a chore. But, you have to keep feeding your body if you want it to keep working, so I eat, and I eat, and I eat. Hopefully this will go away, as I really enjoy food in general, obviously. 

It's been an eventful, challenging week. ONLY a week! Sheesh! In some ways it has seemed like an eternity. I hope the coming week brings more success and with it some exercise!!! To all of you out there fighting your own weight battle.... - WE - are not alone! 

Days Five, Six and Seven - Let's all go to lobby, and buy a tasty snack.....or not.

Hello Everyone! I'm back from a weekend break from blogging but not from my race. The weekend was definitely eventful in terms of temptations, fighting old habits and attempting to have a social life without the usual players (booze/junk).

I already filled you in on the events of Friday. The rest of the weekend had many ups and downs. Saturday I went to the movies with my friend. Normally, a movie (when I go) involves popcorn, pop, and sometimes candy - which always costs waaaaay more than the movie itself. Of course, when I got to the theatre, the smell of popcorn about KILLED me! Popcorn is one of my favorite foods but it is off limits at this point in my food plan. So, while I waited for my friend to arrive, I mentally prepared myself to buy a Diet Coke and be okay with it. And surprise! I was okay with it. To be honest, I never finish the popcorn anyway, and it's a total rip-off. I made it through the movie totally unscathed - plus I went to see X-Men and that didn't hurt matters (James McAvoy is easy on eyes). Another barrier bulldozed over! Each time I face and overcome a situation in which it is difficult for me to imagine healthier behavior, I become stronger and one step closer to reaching my goals!

Sunday...now that was a really big challenge. Mistake #1: Sitting at home by myself all day. Mistake #2: Waiting too late to eat until all I could think about was making a bad choice. Mistake #3: Not going grocery shopping like I should've so that my choices would be automatically healthy. I was so close to breaking, more out of sheer laziness and habit than anything else. Most often on Sundays, we order out (that's really the whole weekend). In reality, the week is far less challenging, for me, to live this lifestyle than the weekends. But, I hung in there and lived with the food I had available. It was so worth it. As soon as I ate dinner, I felt back to my old self and didn't regret my choice at all. I wasn't even thinking about all of the junk I had been craving all day (pizza, chinese, thai, etc.) THEN my brother came home from work with a bag load of goodies. I had to see what was in there and as soon as I did...I had to walk away. It was late at night and my resolve was not a steely as a couple of hours earlier. I kept thinking, what could half of this or two bites of that do? Kill me? Absolutely not. But what it would do is make me feel like a pile of crap for not even making it one week without cheating. SO NOT WORTH IT!!!

So, I made it through my first weekend of clean living, and I'm here to tell the tale. I can't impress upon you all how HARD this was for me and how dramatic of a lifestyle change it is for me. So if I can do it, I really think anyone can. I did avoid some of the usual traps like the bar and restaurants but I think I could've made it had I really tried.

Today, I went and got gobs of groceries, so hopefully I won't have to go again this week. I felt like I was spending a lot of money, but then I realized that it's still significantly cheaper than eating out. You really don't want to know what we used to spend eating out and going per week. I about stroked regularly. This week, aside from groceries, we spent virtually NO money. I could get used to this!!

Now, tomorrow is the big one week weigh-in. I know I'm not supposed to cheat, but I've definitely been weighing myself everyday (I don't recommend this - and I will not continue to do so but I was just so darned excited my first week). Let's just say, early results are astounding!!!!! I'm so excited I can hardly wait to tell you all! But, I will wait:) The crazy thing is, I very rarely, if ever, feel hungry. I have eating down to a pretty good system (every 2-4 hours). So, it's not like I'm starving myself, or even depriving myself. I've found ways to make food so that it seems decadent but is very healthy. The only thing is that if you have a chocolate tooth, this part of the food plan can be difficult. Thankfully, I'm much more drawn to savory food and that is easy to emulate.

I have to say that I am little surprised by how committed I've been. Normally, any one of the events that transpired this weekend would've been enough to side track me before. I feel lucky that my resolve is deep, because I know I will continue to be challenged. Another good thing...I have a couple of adult "play dates" with some friends who want to exercise with me! I feel so blessed!! Exercise continues to be a challenge for me but I think I need to put it in the same frame of mind as I do my eating. Once I do that, the results will be crazy! I know a huge source of support comes from this blog. I really mean it when I say "I don't think I could do this without you." All of YOU GUYS keep me honest. A couple of times this weekend, when I felt weak, I thought - how bad would it suck to have to tell you all I just gave up? That was not something I was willing to do. (and I know quite a few of you would hold me accountable!) So thanks. The first week is down and the second will be a breeze right?!?

Day Four - Beans, beans, the magical fruit

A TOTAL LIE!!! Everything I'm eating right now is a "magical fruit." I don't care if this is too much information because anyone who embarks on this journey should know - eating mass amounts of greenery and fiber will make you a gas machine. (And FYI, posting about farting is way less embarrassing to me than posting my stats) So, just be aware that eating healthy is not without its consequences, although I'd take farting over fat any day:)

Today is another milestone in my race to a smaller waist. Today marks the first weekend in a long time in which I have no beer, wine or junk food to celebrate making it through another week. Normally, a Friday night/weekend would look like this:

Leave work as fast as possible, go home, open a bottle of wine, figure out what I was doing for the evening (a.k.a go to Cobra, Beer Bistro, etc.) get in car, go to said meeting place, eat burger/pizza/fries/babies (just kiddin'), drink copious amounts of booze, go home, sleep like crap in my junk/booze induced coma, wake up, be a waste of space all day, repeat steps 3 on up. 

Now my Friday night/weekend looks like this:

.........................................................................

Or at least that is what I feared for a good portion of the day. To be honest with you, I was at a loss for what to do. I even called my friend and told her "I don't know what people who don't drink and who live a healthy lifestyle do on a Friday or Saturday night." You may laugh, but this is a serious question. So of course, I go to Jewel and get some food (because I shop everyday! - you don't have to, I just choose to for the variety and because I like fluorescent lighting). Nick had gone down to some friends' house, and I was anticipating being all alone, with nothing but time.

For some reason, and it has been like this my whole life, I have anxiety over not having plans during the weekend. I've always felt, unless I was sick, that I had to spend time with people or I would have a panic attack. It's gotten better as I've aged but I still get a little antsy around the weekend. Luckily, my brother was home (asleep fully clothed with his shoes on, which was adorable!). So, I started my evening routine and made dinner. My brother put on some tunes, and we ate and had a good time chatting, laughing, singing and dancing (really only I was dancing and badly, but he did the robot once or twice). I am really glad he was home and that we got to spend some time together. And, it really helped me get past another bump in the road.

So tomorrow, it's another day, but I feel less anxiety about my plans. I think I will really grow to like my booze/junk free weekends for a while. I also have to say that without the support of my husband, this would be really hard. I know there are a lot of people out there who are trying to lose weight with a spouse or household members making it tough at every turn by demanding the bad food that they like and criticizing the person who is trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I am lucky that everyone in my house is pretty committed to the healthy lifestyle.

One last thing for tonight, then it's off to rest my sleepy head. Every day I am increasingly excited over the changes coming my way. I hope that some of you out there get excited too and make any changes, big or small, you've been too afraid to make before. Believe me, once you commit, that feeling will take you a long, long way. Fear was what kept me from doing this when I should have, but I'm not afraid anymore.

Day Three - Cool as a cucumber

Oh boy folks, let me tell you! So everything was going great today (except the a.m. workout but I'll get to that) UNTIL about 2:30. Because it was busy at work, I kept putting off eating my lunch until my coworker asked me to come along with her to do company errands. While out, she grabbed lunch and I had my first experience with being in a restaurant where I could eat abosulely, positively, NOTHING on the menu. Not that I had intentions of buying anything but it's one of my favorite deli spots - A.P. Deli. They specialize in corned beef. And I became a very sad, little girl. The smell was intoxicating and because I hadn't eaten since my apple for a snack at 11:30, I was really hungry. If you've never had A.P. Deli, you are missing a most memorable experience. To add to my agony, the guys messed up the first order and we had to wait almost 15 minutes! I'm telling you the smell and visual sight of my weakness just about drove me over the edge. I put on a tough face and tried to think about the black bean chili I had waiting back at the office but it was hard for me not to hip check the guy waiting in line so that I could order my own heaping pile of heaven. Finally, they were finished with the order and I able to walk away without having purchased anything. I made back to the office and thank goodness that chili was good because if it hadn't been, I might have stolen my co-worker's extra sandwich she bought for her son. So....that was fun.

But I learned a valuable lesson. I DO in fact have a small amount of self-control. And once I got back to "my" food, I was okay.

Okay, I have to say right here that I had written more after this but for some reason the blog was messed up and deleted it! And now I can't remember everything I said:( So recap:

After making it passed that small moment, I felt pretty good about myself. AND BONUS, I have motivated some of my co-workers to join me in my quest to be healthy! Yay! (hey you have to congratulate yourself for the small successes and not beat yourself up over little setbacks, right!) When I got home, I enlisted my friend to go for a walk with me, which thankfully she obliged! We walked for over an hour and it was great! So even though I didn't work out this morning, I still got my move on. Overall, this has been a pretty good day.

I've tried this kind of lifestyle change before but it doesn't seem as hard this time. I have to believe it's because I'm really ready:)

Day Two - Life is like a box of chocolates, so you better pack some carrots just in case.

Day Two...SO MUCH EASIER!! Today's food choices were awesome. The only exception...plain, raw celery. There are not many foods I don't like, but this one might make the list. I enjoy celery with dip or in a dish or with peanut butter, but raw - for some reason my tongue was getting numb. I'll take that as a sign to let the celery be! Otherwise, I was super excited to eat all of the good things I had coming. New favorite dessert (and don't laugh because I know it isn't technically dessert, but since I'm not a huge sweets eater, it works for me) is spinach with sliced strawberries, balsamic vinegar and olive oil. YUMMY!!

Okay, enough with the food. I have to say that today really motivated me. I physically feel good, which I feel that I have to credit the good stuff I'm putting into in. I felt mentally clear, and I was in a decent mood. I could get used to this:) Today has been a day of reflection and here's why:

Many victims of abuse find it hard to move on past an abusive partner. They often go back and feel confused and even ashamed for wanting to be with someone who has hurt them. It may take some time before a victim is strong enough to feel like a survivor. When faced with the challenge of moving on, there are things that can draw them back or make them feel like they have to go back. Even when the relationship is over, there are some victims who find it very hard to let the abuser go. All it takes is a phone call, a plea for help, a promise to change and the victim feels powerless to walk away. Today I realized that the advice I would give to someone experiencing these problems is the same I can give myself to get through any rough times with this new lifestyle.  - When you aren't good at making healthy choices, you need to make the healthy choices automatic. An analogy could be: if you fill your fridge with only healthy foods, every time you open it, you will always make the right choice. It's basically like being on autopilot. Just like a victim who feels like they are being sucked back into the madness time and time again, you have to take the emotion out of it and let logic rule for a little while. Once the choices aren't so hard, and there is some distance between decision and emotion, you can be more flexible.

Right now, I am not in the position to be bargaining about my food choices. My husband and I were talking about how excited we were to drink our first finished beer, when it dawned on me. This is a potential pitfall very early on in the game. I realized that my emotions are so tied to my eating/drinking habits that I know even having that one beer may derail me. I had to remind myself that this project is priority, above almost every other thing in my life right now. In time, I will be able to make decisions about food mostly separate from emotion. For now, I have to stick with the plan and not look back.

To switch gears...NO EXERCISE AGAIN today. This is going to be a challenge. I am not really a morning person, but I think that it is going to be my best bet for fitting it in. It's not that I'm so busy when I get home, but honestly, I like to decompress, prepare dinner and lunch for the next day and spend time with my family. My motivation to work out after work - NIL. So tomorrow, I'm going to set the alarm a little early. Whether I exercise or not, my goal will be to get out of bed. Just to get my body used to be up earlier. So, send your prayers and thoughts to me so maybe I will have the gumption to actually get up more than 30 minutes before I have to leave for work.

That's it for today I think. I don't know if I'll be posting every day through this whole thing, but right now, it definitely helps keep me focused, so thanks for reading.

Andy's Fruit Ranch - where they herd heads of lettuce and not heads of cattle

Day One has officially passed. First I would like to say "thank you" to the already overwhelming support of my friends and family. I have a really good feeling about this and already the words of encouragement have helped me pass a bump or two today. I know, I know...Amanda, how have you hit a bump or two and your are only on your first day of the race? Short answer - I really like eating. Specifically, I REALLY like eating junk. Today has made my reliance on junk (a.k.a. crack) painfully clear. However, what today also taught me is that I'm not really hungry most of the time. What I experienced today was more like a smoker who has quit cold turkey. I wasn't irritable, but all I could think about was food. Food is my cigarette. Only problem is that you can't survive without food, so you have to face it.

Overall, I enjoyed the food I ate. I generally like all fresh things but by 9 p.m. I was hankerin' for a salty, crunchy, bad-for-you snack. Just for the information of those reading, in order to completely shake up my routine, I have adopted a weight loss solution written by none other than Dr. Phil. AND, just so you know, I think this man is a little bogus but his plan is straightforward. Don't eat crap. My mother-in-law lost over 100 lbs. on this plan. She's a nurse and so I assume she would not embark on a weight loss plan that was bunk or dangerous for you. Basically, you eat tons of non-starchy veggies, fruit, whole grains, lean protein, low-fat dairy, healthy fats....you get the picture. Nothing crazy, just plain old healthy food. The plan is laid out in three phases to help you completely change your eating habits (especially if they are as bad as mine) and teach your body to crave the good stuff. You eat a ton of food...but unfortunately it's not the food my junk addicted body wants right now.

In a moment of panic, I went to the store and loaded up of fresh veggies and fruits (which thanks to this awesome grocery store, Andy's Fruit Ranch - add joke here, it only set me back $18). My worry is that if I don't have a large variety of healthy options, I will choose poorly. And I also have this small bit of anxiety about not having enough food in the house, but that is another subject. So I get home and almost an hour later have cut up a variety of snack-sized portions of the good stuff and made three huge salads for dinner. (Nick is on this journey with me but my brother, who has no need to lose any weight, just likes to be healthy - which is probably why he doesn't need to lose weight!) So the fridge is stocked for the time being. I've premade a delicious tuna salad sans mayo for tomorrow's lunch and have thawed out the chicken breast for dinner.

So overall, I had a few moments where I would've liked nothing better than to get some chips or snack mix but COME ON this is day one! This is where that lagging self-control needs to step it up! I don't plan on becoming some food Nazi but obviously the lifestyle I was living was not working, and obviously since I have so little self-control, at this point eating even a little will lead to a binge of the snacks. Until my brain has reprogrammed a little and I have come to terms with the root of why I want junk, I need to stay the course. (Sidenote - I mostly blame the chemicals they put in junk food/fast food - there has to be something evil in there to make them taste so darn good!! Am I right!)

Sadly, I did not exercise today, but I will be doing yoga tomorrow. For someone who use to L-O-V-E exercising, I find it funny that I have such hard time getting motivated to stick with a program. All in good time. I realize that I have to take things one at a time. Too many major changes at once are the makings of a failure - at least I think it would be for me. Again, I am striving to reach moderation. But to get there, I will need a little bit of discipline.

Soooooooooooooooo....drumroll please. I have your winning lottery numbers. They are 14, 25, 40, 44, 202. Wait a minute! there isn't a ball with 202 on it. Nope, what I have given you are measurements and eeeekkk, my weight! I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there for anyone to see. I'm kinda freaking out about it, but in order to remain accountable, I have to be honest.

Weight : 202.4

Waist: 40.75 (which for those of you who don't know, puts me at a much greater risk for heart disease and host of other health problems. Just another reason I trying to be real with myself)

Gut (the real waist): 44

Arms: 14.5

Thigh: 25

Oh boy. There it is. Now everyone can compare notes and feel better about themselves!! (just kiddin' we should know by now that comparing ourselves to others is a futile and dangerous task) For your viewing pleasure, I will be posting pictures that will be unflattering, unphotoshopped (unless it would add humor) and honest images of a woman who is ready to get healthy! So, there you have it.

Thanks again for those who have already been so supportive. It is nerve-wracking to put up this kind of personal stuff , but when health is on the line, there is no room for pride.

MacArthur's, you are the death of me.

It was only a piece of cake. Granted it was called "Better than Sex Cake" but cake nonetheless.  When it entered my mouth, its caramely, chocolately, richness danced in my mouth...and...I thought I would puke. Thankfully for my boyfriend at the time, I managed to hold it down. I did, however, bawl my eyes out and rip him a new one. You see, I was 15, 111 lbs., active and thoroughly OBSESSED with my weight. Clearly seeing the ridiculousness in my culinary preference for rice cakes, iceberg lettuce and water, my boyfriend had decided to expand my horizons and force feed me a piece of this cake. I was so devistated. I was certain that each single calorie equated to another pound added to my frame. A pound I would never be able to get back off.

Looking back, I realize how sorry I feel for that girl who based her entire worth on the scale. So fast-forward 12 years, years filled with a love-hate relationship with food and myself and there you will find a 27-year-old who is technically "obese" and at her whits end. Yes, I've been here before, but each day that passes is one closer to the point of no return. I'm not saying it isn't possible to lose weight as you get older. I'm just saying it's a lot harder and, for me, a lot less likely to happen.  

Over the years, weight has been one of my biggest struggles. I really don't want to say this "outloud" but I have gained over 80 lbs. since that fateful day. I have tried many different ways to change my diet - I don't believe in "dieting" because most are not a sustainable way to live, and you'll most likely pack on the pounds faster than you lost them once you stop dieting.  Unfortunately, the steadfast resolve I possessed in high school has gone the way of many other good intentions...to the very deepest recesses of my mind. In other words, I have minimal long term self-control.

The breaking point for me was stepping on the scale two days ago. Let's just say it was not a number I ever wanted to see. In fact, I had promised myself I would never get to this weight, and yet, here I am. So, I realized...if I don't make serious changes now, I may never be at a healthy weight again. I will face health problems due to my weight, be unable to keep up with my kids because I'm so out of shape, and everyday feel like nothing fits or is comfortable. It took me along time to get up the guts to say this and mean it but - I REFUSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!

Let's get this straight. This is not about vanity (okay it is a little bit). Really, it is about reaching my happy point. The healthy place. No extremes. I want to be able to say "no" to that bag of chips but be okay with "yes" when I've earned them. To do this, I think I need some major accountability. More than just to myself. So what I've planned is to be open and honest. Whether anyone reads this or not. I will share my successes, failures, challenges and strengths. The goal is to post regularly with "eek" my weight, measurements and pictures. Since it is the evening, I will wait to weigh in tomorrow morning as well as take measurements. I would love support, comments, suggestions...anything to help remind me that this is not a sprint and that it will take time for results. (I lose interest/focus very easily)



So help me out guys. Will it be easy? I hope not, because nothing worth doing is ever just a piece of cake.