This race is more like an ultramarathon.

It has been almost a year since my last posting on this blog. So much has changed in the past six months that life is virtually unrecognizable from the same time last year. Let's see...what has changed? For those of you who don't know, I quit my job in September of 2012 and started attending University of Chicago. Throwing caution to the wind, I applied for UChicago's Urban Teacher Education Program to get my Masters in the Art of Teaching and become a secondary biology teacher. I say throwing caution to the wind because as I was informed during my interview, my schedule would be beyond rigorous due to the lack of science courses on my college transcript. Most secondary and elementary students in this program take the required UTEP classes and generally one additional class at the university. My first quarter, I would have to take THREE additional courses (all with 4 hour labs, too) and two additional courses each subsequent quarter for the first year. There are a few other students with a similar schedule due to being fourth years, but for someone who has been out of school for over 5 years, I was scared shitless. Actually, I wasn't really scared until I attended my first week of classes and saw what type of craziness I was getting myself into. Without rehashing the whole quarter here, let's just say it was second hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. I always considered myself a good student but this school, especially the biology department, is soul crushing. They weren't kidding when they said that this school is a place where fun goes to die.

I survived the first quarter and did better than I had hoped. Despite the severe lack of sleep, poor eating habits and massive amounts of coffee, I have been happier than I have been since I graduated high school. Since I only have two classes this quarter, it feels like my whole world has opened up. Unfortunately, it became very clear to me early in the quarter that when given extra free time, I am exponentially less motivated to get work done and the first weeks have totally kicked me in the butt. My house was (and is) a mess, I had the sleeping schedule of a vampire and I have been eating whatever crap happens to sound good in the moment. It's been rough to say the least. The worst part is that these are all things I have some level of control over, and I am simply allowing myself make bad choices. I think I finally reached my breaking point and fortunately I have awesome friends who care enough to encourage me to make better choices.

The real reason I wanted to blog today is because I have found an activity that I think may be life changing. Now, I know I tend to get all into something and then 6 months later drop it, but I think this might be different. Thanks to my friend, Bridget, who talked me into signing up for a trial subscription to Power Yoga Chicago, I have found an activity that is more than energizing. Power Yoga Chicago is a studio where you practice what is commonly called hot yoga. The "power" part simply refers to the speed of the movements, which are of the Vinyasa-style. Don't let the yoga part fool you - this workout is killer! For people who have joint issues, like me, the stretching and strength moves have already started having a seriously positive effect on my body. The heated room means you sweat buckets, and I can't tell you how cleansing that feels. I also tend to be a shallow breather and yoga has helped me take better, deeper breaths which are both energizing and calming. For someone with high anxiety or anxiety problems, this type of yoga is an awesome way to forget the world around you and focus on being in touch with your body and thoughts.

Even with the extra time I have now with one less class, I didn't think I could make a commitment like this. And honestly, the cost is a little more than I really wanted to spend. However, after utilizing my free trial, I can't imagine giving it up. Nick and I have decided to cancel our cable in order to balance out the costs, and I'm sure this will be beneficial in more ways than that. For those of you who know me, giving up my cable is serious business. THAT is how much I enjoy this whole hot yoga thing. I am even getting up most mornings at 5:10 a.m. to make it to 6:00 a.m. class. Did I mention how much I LOVE this!!! The awesome thing about yoga is that you can take it at your own pace and level. I am out of shape and very stiff/ not flexible but even I can do this and I know each time I go I am just getting stronger.

I can't wait to see what other positive changes come from this humble start. With my big 3-0 coming up in six short months, I know that I want to start a new decade feeling the best that I can. I haven't really made any other drastic changes but even with this one change, I already feel better. With as many times as I have fallen off the wagon and gotten back on, I realize that this "race" to a smaller waist that is the inspiration for my blog is most definitely a longer, more challenging journey. I am reminded, once again, that life is not a sprint, and I need to find the inspiration for the long-term commitment to healthy living.

Oh my, oh my how time does fly!

So it's been a while. Almost a year! Falling off of the wagon does not describe what happened. I fell off of the planet! And what have I been doing all this time,  you might be asking?  Well, I've been eating, drinking and sitting on my butt to my little heart's delight (which funnily enough is not good for my heart). I have started back up in school, so that has been a time suck, but overall, I've been epically lazy and bad.

I really thought that I couldn't come back here after so long, but I've decided that falling off of the wagon is part of the struggle, and yet another example of how human wants and desires can lead us so easily off the path towards our goals. Maybe this will inspire someone else who thought it was too late to pick back up and start again. So, here I am.

I have not done a weigh in to see where I am, nor have I taken measurements. I will be doing all of this tomorrow. I have found a new tool, courtesy of my friend Bridget, called MyFitnessPal. It's an app that is basically a calorie counter, but has a bunch of fun features, and I have found it to be quite user friendly. I have to admit that putting your food consumption on paper does make you think twice about putting it in your mouth (that's what she said...sorry). This app has already helped me make better food choices. The library of foods they have is AMAZING! So far, they have everything I tend to eat (including restaurant options). For example, I could easily put down a foot long chicken bacon ranch sandwich at Subway (for over half of my day's calorie allowance). However, I realized that I could have an equally filling lunch for several hundred calories less. Sure, admittedly, there is a different between a sandwich with bacon, cheese and ranch vs. no cheese, light mayo and NO bacon, but I didn't feel like a pile of dead weight after eating it. I have also upped my water intake and am trying to limit my pop intake to almost nil.

I also talked one of my co-workers into walking at the local park with a couple of times a week right after work. It helps because she is at work with me and we can hold each other immediately accountable. I have downloaded the P90X system (yikes!) and plan to start that this week as well.

So why the motivation now? One of the biggest reasons is that I am in one of my best friend's wedding at the end of May and I really don't want to feel uncomfortable and the dreaded word....FAT. I hate that word but it pretty accurately describes how I feel now. I also am nearing my last year in my twenties, and dammit, I am NOT willing to start a new decade being so overweight.

I honestly don't know how this time is going to be any different than the many other times I have tried to lose weight and keep it off. I am scared that like every other time, I will do this for a few weeks and then life will get in the way and...SPLAT...off the wagon I will fall into some delicious, bad for you binge. Motivation has not been my strong point the last couple of years. I have started and stopped many projects and goals. The biggest question weighing on my mind is "can I afford to quit again?" The answer, quite simply, has to be no. Each day, each year, we don't get younger. It gets harder to lose weight and even harder to maintain it. Not doing this now quite possibly means never doing it for me. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

I have learned some things from my previous attempts.

(1) I cannot become obsessed. That leads to guilt, burnout and binges.
(2) I have to be honest with myself. When I am not giving the best I can, I need to own up to that but not beat myself up so badly that I give up.
(3) I WILL MESS UP. Period.
(4) Life is NEVER going to be 100% convenient for a weight loss mentality. I have to have a plan to deal with those incidental moments when someone wants to meet up for dinner and drinks or when ice cream is on super sale at the grocery store:)
(5) Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. I am not on Biggest Loser and can't devote 4 hours a day to working out. Nor do I want to (see #1).

Back at the beginning, I find myself hopeful but cautious. Cautiously optimistic, as they say. But I'm here and willing.

Week 3 - This is my confession

Well folks....I have news. I've been a bad, bad girl. Well not totally bad, but bad enough to have lost ZERO pounds this week. I have learned two things:

1. I need to blog at least every other day to help keep me honest.

2. Moderation is still not my strong suit.

So here is what went down in the last week. After the weight in, I continued with my good eating habits as usual. All was going well....until Friday. After having a good time gettin' my nails did with a girlfriend, we decided to go to Beer Bistro. The name alone should've sent me running (but I've been there many times and thought I could handle it). I ordered relatively healthy food - chicken salad wrap with tots as a treat, and I only ate half of my meal. But then...oh then...they had $4 Fin du Monde. I thought, "I'll just have one." And one turned into at least six with the bartender buying us two shots.  Yeah....it was a total bust. Now, had I stopped there, the weekend was still salvageable. Plus, you have to be able to come back from a slip up.

The next day, we had a BBQ with some friends. I had already been planning this event during the week and was prepared to serve pretty healthy grilled food - chicken, corn, fresh sliced tomatoes, fruit - not too bad, right! But at the store I also bought Baked Lays and a CHERRY PIE!! I have just totally lost my mind at this point. On top of all that, the whole point of our get together was to have some of our new home brew. So from 2 p.m. till 2 a.m. (cuz the night didn't stop after the grill out), I ate and drank myself into stupidity.

Now don't get me wrong. I had a blast! It was so nice to hang with friends and let loose. But, man, I really went off track with eating right. On Sunday, I had a healthy lunch but just said "eff it" at dinner and we ordered pizza.

All told, I'm lucky I didn't gain any weight. But I learned a lot about my habits, pitfalls and self-discipline. I don't regret letting loose, because some of my healthy habits still were there in the midst of Pig Out 2011. I only wish I had exercised somewhat more restraint. BUT, this whole experience is a learning process, so I am done beating myself up about it!

On Monday, I got right back on track - and it feels so good! I actually like eating healthy - I prefer it. In fact I realized one of my pitfalls is just being too tired to cook. When I am not in the mood to cook, I am more willing to make bad choices. Case in point - pizza on Sunday. But, I went grocery shopping yesterday and made myself get ready for Tuesday and wah lah! its easy! I know it's not always going to be easy, even if I have everything ready to go, but more times than not, I will succeed. As for the weekends, I think I have to hold myself more accountable and really put the breaks on after a treat instead of going into a tailspin.

All in all, I am so glad that even after being derailed a bit, I was able to find my way back with little trouble. That's a good sign that my habits are starting to feel more natural. This whole experience has forced me to look at my love/hate relationship with food. I learned this weekend that I still use food and drinks as emotional crutches in some way. Adding in better habits gives me more tools to bounce back, but I still struggle.

Today, it was so stressful at work that I had a really hard time not coming home and opening up a beer. But for me, I know that one beer could very well lead to two or more, especially when I'm drinking out of stress rather than for the simple pleasure. I don't want to want to rely on food, beer, t.v., etc. in order to get over a tough day. That is AVOIDANCE, plain and simple!!! I'm glad to say that when I got home, I did not sit my butt down in front of the TV, crack open a beer and just throw in the towel. I am still committed to becoming healthy and for the first time in a long time, I MEAN IT! I have to thank those around me too. My brother, who knows what I'm up to, definitely gave me the what for on Saturday, before the BBQ and told me, come Monday, he was gonna be on my ass to help me stay on track. Although I'm not scared of him (because honestly, he's adorable:), I think I hate disappointing people more than any else in the whole world. So, it motivates me. Most of all, I don't want to disappoint myself. Ten pounds of weight loss is nothing to sneeze it, but it is only the beginning of my journey, and I will not be satisfied until I cross that finish line.

End of Week 2 - The Results Edition

It's been two weeks! And that means results! Here are the stats:

Weight: 192lbs. down from 195 for a total weight loss of 10 lbs since I started two weeks ago!!!
Waist: The same:(
Gut: 42 inches down from 43 for a total of two inches lost!!!!
Arms and Legs - the same


So, I am pretty stoked about my results. Ten pounds in two weeks is so awesome!! Tonight, in honor of practicing moderation and since my strict two weeks are over, I treated myself. I did NOT cook dinner! Nick and I still chose a healthy option from a local place but it was nice not to have to cook. AND the ultimate treat....I had my first beer from our home brew. YUM!! I've been drinking it for 45 minutes and I can tell there has been a fundamental switch in my brain that has gone off. I don't feel the need to have ten more. One is delicious, enjoyable and enough. :) I haven't freaked out or eaten all of the junk still remaining in my home. I think I can do this! From here on out, the weight loss will be slower, but sticking to my healthy plan, I anticipate at least a pound a week. That is still a loss! It may be more but I know I need to add exercise to see some real results. For right now, I am so glad that I am out of the danger zone. Each pound lost takes me one step closer to that red ribbon at the end of race. Tomorrow, I will continue with my healthy eating and not let my treats for this evening derail me. Strangely enough, normally, that previous statement would either be lip service or me trying to convice myself it's true, but since I've gone through these two weeks, I feel like it is more the truth than ever before.

I am in a good place right now, and I will hang on to this feeling to get me through the rough times.

Week 2/Days 5 &6 - All Aboard! Next Stop...Moderation Station.

Over the weekend, I had some time to think through some of the issues I brought up in Friday's post. I forced myself to actually think about how I am going to approach moderation without having a panic attack each time I strayed off course or let myself have a treat. Frankly, there is too much good stuff out there in the world of food and beverages to ignore. Finally, after some soul searching, I came up with the answer. If I could manage to be as strict with myself these past two weeks as I have been, then I can certainly handle moderation. I realized there is no special formula to how much or often I treat myself. The important thing is that I can't ignore what I'm ingesting. I can't excuse away everything. If I'm going to allow myself treats....I have to hold myself accountable and exercise.

Losing weight is a just a simple math problem. Take in too many calories and you won't lose weight. Each day, I have to do the math. I'm not saying that I am going to calorie count each thing I eat, because, honestly, that sucks and is not for me. What I am going to do is be strict with myself most days and once or twice a week, allow myself a treat. The last two weeks have made me realize that I have more strength than I knew. I have been tempted almost daily, but I have faced those temptations head on in order to get past them and see the bigger picture. Weight loss and healthy lifestyle is a day to day journey, but you have to be able to see where you are going further on down the road. You have to be able to imagine where you want to be so that things don't get away from you. If I have a treat one day, that does not mean I get a treat everyday. Or I have to make it a healthy treat. "Treating" myself every day is what got me into this mess. Everyday I would come home and rationalize a beer, half a pan of brownies, chinese food, whatever. You simply can not do that and not expect to have your weight get away from you.

A pound of weight gain equals 3,500 calories. If you have one 100 calorie treat a day (and those calories are over the amount your body expends each day), you can gain one pound in a little over a month. That totals a little over 10 pounds a year in weight gain. Doesn't sound like much? Well, let me tell you that 100 calories over a day isn't that hard to reach. That's fewer calories than the average junk snack (if you only eat one serving, and HONESTLY how many of us only eat one serving?). So if you allow yourself that little treat each day without planning for it, you will gain weight. I'm not saying I won't allow myself junky treats now and again. Otherwise, what would be the point of this whole thing? What I am going to do is be more aware, not freak out each time I do allow myself a treat and be responsible about my well-being.

I'm still a little afraid of losing control, but like most things, all it takes is a little work. My first two weeks are almost up. Then, I can loosen up a little bit. I have seen some awesome results and can't wait to fill you in on Tuesday. Let's just say total weight loss is definitely in the double digits. I'm excited by my results and, I feel like I have passed the hardest part. I am almost done with the sprint, and then, it's time for the endurance part of the race. The weight loss will be slower, more steady. BUT it will still be a loss. Each week I expect I will lose weight if I do what I am supposed to do. This will be the time of introspection and really examining the roots of my bad eating behavior. And of course, I will share it all here. So, thanks for reading and thanks for the inspiration.


P.S. - Some of you have asked some questions so I thought I would answer them here for the benefit of all.

Q1: What's the recipe for the black bean chili I was raving about the other night?
A1: 1/2 cup cooked black beans (I used canned and rinsed them), 1/2 cup stewed tomatoes (I like the kind with chilies in it), 2 tbs. of salsa & 2 tbs. diced onion. Mix and heat. It's super easy and really yummy!

Q2: Can you chew gum during the first phase of the Dr. Phil weight loss solution.
A2: Yup:) Just chew sugar free.

If any of you have any other questions about what I'm doing or not doing...send them my way and I'll do my best to answer.

Week 2/Days 3 & 4 - I've seen the face of a demon, and it looks like delicious beer.

Another two days has gone by. And, actually, no real food news on the home front. My husband did tempt me this evening by opening one of our first home brews. I tried a sip, and darn it!, it was delicious! I could've had a whole one to myself, but I'm saving my first until after I have made it through two weeks of clean living.

After two weeks, my next goal is figuring out how to integrate moderation into my diet. Ideally, I will be following the 2nd Phase of the food plan I'm on for most of my eating, but I know I'm going to need to throw in the occassion treat, otherwise, I will not be successful. How much and when to slightly indulge myself has been giving me some trouble. I am fearful that if I even open the flood gates a crack, the whole river is going to rush in and overwhelm me. I remember this feeling. It reminds me, unfortunately, of high school. I remember being so concerned about calories that I couldn't enjoy anything. I have known since I started this project that at some point I would be facing old demons. This is one of them. I fear becoming so obsessed over what I am eating that even if I allow myself a treat, I won't be able to enjoy it. This kind of "extreme" thinking has plagued me in many areas of my life. Either too much food, only healthy foods, too much beer, no drinks at all. I really struggle with this concept of moderation. Honestly, the next phase scares the crap out of me.

I realize that either one of two things is true (1) I was born obsessive/with an addictive personality or (2) life's experiences have conditioned me to be this way. I don't know which worries me more. At this point, I realize my issues with food and drinks may require a bit more professional help. I have seriously considered therapy. Since this type of thinking, which causes me great anxiety, has been with me as long as I can remember, I think I have always been self-medicating. Either through extreme control or total abandon. I have not managed the moderate lifestyle for any considerable amount of time. In fact, I look at people who live what I consider to be a moderate life, and I am absolutely unable to put myself in their shoes.

This is definitely going to require some mental work. I know I can do it. I know I will success in weight loss, but what else might I lose? Am I trading one addiction for another? At least I have one thing going for me. My clear thinking has allowed me to even consider these issues. Before, food and liquor would've made it easy for me to ignore. Well, not anymore. Time to look these demons in the face and know them for who they are.

Week 2/Day 2 - An apple a day...will make you bored

Well. My short attention span has started to kick in. The excitement I felt initially for this plan has started to wain. Frankly, I'm bored with eating healthy foods. (Hey, I meant it when I said before that I get bored easily) Like so many projects I've started only to stop a week later, I'm beginning to feel the familiar pull to move on to something different - and tastier. But for the first time, this isn't an option. My desire to be healthy hasn't gone away....but my desire to expand my food horizons has definitely made itself noticeable. 

Still being in the first phase of my weight loss plan, I am somewhat restricted by the types of food I can eat. I can knock myself out on non-starchy vegetable, eat plenty of fruit, have two servings of low-fat dairy, and more protein than I sometimes care for....but what I want, what I REALLY want is a starchy food after lunch. I've identified my weakest point as sometime after dinner and before bed. Normally, this would be the time that I would enjoy some beers, a glass of wine, some popcorn, snack mix, brownies...basically any starchy carb. The elimination of those foods has left a gaping hole in my evening routine. At first, it was fine because I was excited by eating right. Now, after a hard, stressful day at work, it's not as much fun and not so easy to ignore. All I can say is...THANK GOD FOR THIS BLOG!!! If I did not feel accountable to the people reading this, I guarantee you, I'd be downing a couple of me and Nick's homemade brews right about now. That is how weak my resolve is at this moment. They say it takes 28 days to make a habit, well, I have 8 down and 20 to go until maybe this lifestyle will feel like a part of me. At least I only have one week left of this phase, then I can blissfully eat some brown rice with dinner, or a baked potato-THANK YOU!!!! 

I know I can do this. I don't doubt that I will. Today, I'm just not as thrilled about. I would love to be all sunshine, rainbows and weight loss - but that wouldn't be honest, now would it:) I feel like anyone who is going to change their lifestyle needs to know, its not always fun, easy or exciting. At times, it becomes a chore. Admittedly, I am pretty tired and am having some joint pain today, so I know that plays a part in my feelings. (*****TMI ALERT****** I'm also PMSing, so you know how that goes...I might kill someone for a Snickers bar so make sure you have some bail money set aside for me, please!) 

Okay, I'm not going to spend this whole entry complaining. I have discovered that warm broth (chicken, beef, veggie) is really soothing, relaxing and for some reason, tastes bad for you but it's not!! It has filled a little bit of that void this evening. 

I'm gonna give myself a little pep talk - It's just a day!! It will pass, tomorrow will be better and all things considered, a little bit of discomfort is so worth the results it will garner. I'm going to keep on keeping on...and again, so glad I have this blog to keep me honest. For anyone out there trying to lose weight and struggling, remember, we are in this together. I know there are couple of you out there, and I've got your back if you've got mine;)